Lock Stock and 2 Massive forearms

Shocking evidence that the well known ‘cockernee geezer’ and b*stard love child of Joanna Lumley and Michael Caine is trying to promote himself and his upcoming film by ‘copying’ the Big Hutch forearm look.



Now whether it’s down to DNA manipulation or some sort weird Stretch Armstrong style procedure only available for Etonian street urchin types who make 1 good film and marry an incredibly rich American Transvestite is not clear.

However what is plain to see in this picture is that JT is not impressed with Guys attempt at copying the look of the biggest kid either side of the Atlantic and in his contempt for it he has adopted the old Mongolian ‘cold stare’ to show his disdain. Good on you Justin, I have always been a fan of your silky melodies and cutting edge dance moves, even if I can’t quite bring the ‘sexyback’ myself, I sleep easier at night knowing that you can be relied on to carry the burden for us all.

A quick glance at spacebook reveals that Big Hutch is still on the set of the Lord of Rings films no doubt sending his spare time fighting Orcs and leading a gaggle of Tom Harden look-a-likes on missions to buy shoes for their bare feet and destroy cheap Elizabeth Duke jewellery which a creepy old man gave them for Christmas.

As well as middle earth and its band of rapscallion inhabitants, New Zealand is also home for such luminaries as drunken sword wielding poet Russell Crowe and moody lesbian arse kicker Xena Warrior princess. You can’t help but feel perhaps Tolkien missed a trick here by not pairing Maximus and Xena up together in order to save middle earth from disaster as opposed to leaving the task to a bunch of midgets and a suspiciously helpful old man in a hooded cloak??
Together with the lead singer of Crowded House and other native Zealander Neil Finn I suspect that we would have been treated to a much more upbeat affair with a surprisingly catchy pop rock soundtrack to keep morale high though there epic adventure, alas though it would appear the moment has now passed……

So in signing off let me tell you this Hutch- The distance between us isn’t what hurts me James. At the time of writing it is 13.50 on Tuesday 30th June 2009 for me and 00.50 on Wednesday 1st July 2009 for you. Despite me being proud of you solving the mysteries of time travel the time between us hurts me the most, you are like Dr Sam Beckett in Quantum Leap, lost in time unable to return home to the place where you belong, but rest assured when you do get there, i'll be waiting with arms wide open reading to embrace you like my brother from another mother.

So until then Big Hutch, Keep on jumpin' Let your body fly, keep everybody jumping' 'Til you see the sun in the sky.

Much love x

11,800 miles

That's how far away Hutch is. 11,800 miles. Not even the Proclaimers would walk that far. I could get to Paris and back 27 times for that and still have change.

11,800 miles. A fair distance, sure, but still not quite as long as Big Hutch's arm span, which clocked in at just over 14,000 miles at last check. He's obviously continued to grow exponentially since then though, so who knows what the current figure is.

Thinking about this got me wondering just how many people in the UK are called Miles. Apparently it's 3,898. One of those is my cousin, tru fak. But still, you could take every single Miles in the UK, even the few that haven't been subjected to a life of cruel ridicule, and you'd have to multiply that group by three to have one Miles for every mile Hutch is away from us. It's in these terms that it finally hits home.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere, really. But I also checked just how many people go by the name James Hutchings in the UK. Apparently there are 59 of them. Who the fuck do they think they are? Well, let's be fair - there's 58 at the moment, seeing as our James Hutchings is currently not in the UK. Actually, it could be much less than that, judging by his rapidly expanding J-Dogs currently decamping to the southern hemisphere.

This scientifically sound research was made possible through the grammatically frustrating www.yournotme.com - a tool that proves mildly interesting for a minute or so.

Anyway.

11,800 miles may well be a hell of distance, but he's as close to all of our hearts as he's ever been.

A fourth J-Dog?

A few posts ago, Big Hutch Blog brought you news of our man cavorting with another James and a guy called Jamie. Together, they made quite the team. Now we have evidence to suggest that Hutch has welcomed a fourth member into his J circle, as here he is with yet another Jamie.



So now that's two guys named James, and two guys named Jamie, cruising around the southern hemisphere together. And you can see just how much it means to Hutch. He's having the time of his life, the cheeky scamp. Not quite sure about that rogue finger wandering into view at the foot of the photo though. It seems sinister.

JAMMY BASTARD

Anyone for Kiwi?

Word has reached us that Hutch has reached the shores of New Zealand safely. Thank God for that. To celebrate, here he is wearing an amusing hat:

The longest forearm in the world

And he knows it. Look how smug he is.

:'(

Disgusted with the rain in Sydney, Hutch heads to New Zealand

Something that not many people know about Big Hutch is that he's a keen researcher of Aztec religion and mythology. Many an evening I've spent in his company as he's sat with a glass of fine cognac in hand, regailing me in tales of his adventures excavating the ruins of the Mesoamerican pyramids of Puebla, or his days as a cabin boy on a fishing trawler on Lake Texcoco.

After years of dedication to the ancient laws and ethics of the Aztec lands, these past couple of weeks must have seen Hutch cursing Tlaloc, the Aztec god of rain, for our man's stay in Sydney has been blighted by persistent showers.

Such is Hutch's disgust, he's hatched plans to leave not just Sydney, but the entire continent, vowing only to return once Tlaloc has lifted his drizzly hoodoo.

Following victory in a high stakes backstreet game of craps in China Town, Hutch has commandeered an old Nazi seaplane and plans to make his escape across the Southern Ocean in the next day or two. He will be joined by a small Asian boy that he has come to affectionately refer to as Short Round.

When asked if he thought Hutch's renegade plans were nuts, Short Round would only say:

"He no nuts, he's crazy!"

Hutch touches down in Sydney town

A recent Facebook update: "James Hutchings is freezing in Sydney, scarfs at the ready!! Oh, to be back in Byron.."

I know that Big Hutch has heard much about Sydney, mainly because our good mutual friend Albi never shuts up about the place. But what I'm figuring Hutch hadn't heard is that he could expect to have a chilly willy upon his arrival.

However, all is not lost, as his sister Claire clearly shares the brilliant Hutchings mind, as proved through the following suggestion:

"You need to borrow the scarf from the Karma Llama!! haha :) x"

The Karma Llama is in total agreement, but also suggests that Big Hutch not stop at just a scarf - all necessary precautions need to be taken to ensure that he is kept toasty at all times.



Alternatively, he could resort to previously favoured tactics to keep his cockles warm.



Finally, it's sad to see that the big man is longing for Byron Bay, although I'm sure it won't take him long to pull together a new crew of J-Dogs.

For any of those doubting that Big Hutch is actually in Australia...

Look at him, casually sat there with a kangaroo. Or is it a wallaby? Either way, it's pretty Australian. Unless he poses for us in skimpy Aussie Rules Football pants, puts streaky blonde highlights in his hair and becomes a loud prick, this is probably the most Australian it's going to get.

Our man is now in Byron Bay, New South Wales

As you can see, he's joined by two other chaps. One claims to be named James (left) and one apparently named Jamie (right), although I have no way of verifying this. With our James in the middle, that's a lot of similar names crammed into one photo. Perhaps that's what they're finding so amusing? They certainly seem full of it.

Is the Big Hutch Blog legally entitled to be publishing photos of two complete strangers online without their permission? Who knows.

Back to the matter at hand, Byron Bay is famous for its surfing, and was 'discovered' in 1770 by English explorer James Cook; yet another James to add to the suspiciously long list of J-Dogs.

Other famous James's include James Brown, Jesse James, James Van Der Beek and, confusingly, Gordon Brown.

Rumour has it that Big Hutch is actually in the Philippines...

...teaching these small Filipino boys how to dance provocactively. They certainly move like Hutch, but as yet there's no official word. More news when we have it.

:'(

Big Hutch and his tiny helmet

I'm just glad he's taking safety seriously

Disturbing news

A recent Facebook status update: "James Hutchings had all his food and cool bag robbed from the fridge. Hopefully Karma will prevail, that's my one and only hope. Why would you steal budget food?!!! Bastards."

What kind of reckless fool would rob HUTCH of food? Don't they realise the sheer amount of calories and nutrients this Big Kid needs to survive on a daily basis?

There's only one thing to do... unleash the Karma Llama